So it's been about 2 weeks since my last Youtube video and 1 week and a half since my last post here... There is a reason for this absence and withdrawal. I have had a lot to do lately, a lot in mind and I hardly have time to think about videos or posts.
When the year began - and even before that - some things happened in my life which I am trying to deal with in best of ways without getting myself submerged in them.
I won't go deeper into this subject but I can say to you that you have nothing to worry about. I will find a way to deal with the recents events and I will go back to my normal self - or even a better me, who knows??
But what I wanted to say is that I am not in the best of moods and I won't be until the things happening in my life are solved, so for now I will not commite to making any videos on my channel nor blog posts here.
I really want to keep doing posts and videos but at the moment I am somewhat unable to do it. But as soon as I feel better, as soon as the troubles that I have in hands are solved I will be back on the video and post "making".
I could have kept on doing videos and blog posts - and I tried, believe me - but they weren't good enough, I was not happy about them. I don't want to put up content that I am not proud of so it's better to take some time for myself, some time to better myself and to better my content and then, when I feel ready, I will start putting up content again!
One more thing before I leave, I am trying to grow both my channel and my blog, content wise. I want to keep doing, showing and talking about the things that I talk about but I also want to start putting up content that I am really passionate about. Things like fashion & beauty (which I don't talk about as much as I'd like to), food & recipes, new discoveries, music, acting, lifestyle and random little things that I love!
Like promised I will be back as soon as I feel like it's best for me to come back, as soon as I feel better and as soon as I feel happy about my content.
It's the New Year which means it's time to create new memories and to try new things. But that can't be done until all of last year's favourites are kept in a place where in a few years time I can go back and say "Oh, it's true, in 2014 I really like this and that...". So, what better place to save memories than a place where I go on a daily basis. This way I won't forget where I've saved my memories...
As you probably could tell by the title of this post and by my little ramble I am going to be telling you about my favourite songs in 2014. It will be to let you know a little more about myself but also to save my "song memories" some place I can easily access in a few years time. Enjoy!
In 2014 I loved a whole range of songs that go from slower and more melow songs to up beat ones that get you started for the day by boosting your mood. Also the fact that I went to a few concerts last year really made me love songs even more.
I went to an Emblem 3 concert (before Drew left the band), Union J, Jessie J & Justin Timberlake, One Direction and James Arthur. I watched Ed Sheeran's and Lorde's Rock in Rio's concerts on TV.
Because of all them concerts I started listening to the albums of the respective artists a lot!
Emblem 3's album was a mood booster for Spring.
I really enjoyed listening to the slower songs on Union J's album.
I started loving One Direction's album all over again - this always happens to me with them: I go to a concert and for a few months I am in love all over again!
Jessie J's older songs were a favourite of mine this Summer.
Justin Timberlakes's songs were blessing whenever I wanted to dance around the house.
James Arthur's album was one of my favourites this year. It has a lot of meaningful songs which really touch me whenever I listen to them.
The TRXYE album was on repeat this Summer, specially "Happy Little Pill".
One album I also really loved this year was an album I've been waiting for for 2 years. And that album is Ella Henderson's Chapter One. I honestly love all of the songs in that album!
Also Little Mix's Salute album. So good, such an awesome mood booster.
In terms of single songs I really loved the classic "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey and "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" by Christina Aguilera - during the Christmas season obviously.
I really liked and still like "Yellow Flicker Beat", such a good song!
Soundtracks were also a favourite of mine - Disney Movies Soundtracks to be precise. Frozen was obviously the main one but I also really enjoyed Beauty & The Beast.
To end of the post I have to talk about my favourite song on Taylor's 1989 album. It has got to be "Blank Space", definitely!
And that's just a resume of my favourites songs of 2014. There's a whole lot more but I couldn' possibly name each and every single, otherwise the post would be the size of an elephant.
Tell me what were your favourite songs of 2014 on the comment section below!
I've been meaning to change my hair for a while but (1) I didn't have money to do with and (2) I wanted to let my hair grow a bit more before damaging it - as you know damaged hair is harder to grow.
So I have been looking at pictures of possible hair colours and cuts and I decided to combine them all together and post them here - my aim is that you reading give me your opinion on what colour and cut I should get.
Here are my choices of colour...
And here are my choices of cut...
Give me your opinions in the comment section below
This is the last post of the All About Me Series. Before I start I just want to say that I'm really happy that I've acomplished to do this series and I hope you've enjoyed reading the posts and watching the videos and I also hope that it was helpful, comforting or just a nice thing to read/watch.
This has got to be my favourite post of all because it's the more positive one. Obviously I intended to do inspirational post & videos with each and every subject of this series but sometimes these types of things can come across has negative things. But that's why I wanted to end this on a high note, on a positive one!
As you can read by the title this post is about the end of 2014, the start of 2015 and being motivated about and for life!
In 2014 I decided I wanted to start looking at life with a more positive perspective of things and just be a more positive person. I have to say it wasn't hard at all, it was pretty easy. There were obviously times when I felt more down and I didn't make an effort to be positive but everyone's allowed to have bad days. The only thing that mattered is that I always tried to wake up the next day and move foward, not think about the previous day and be positive.
Trying to be and live like that was a wonderful decision because I was enjoying life a lot more, appreciating things and I geniunely felt more happy.
One year later and I am still on this mind set, I am still a positive person and I feel a lot better about life and about myself. I wake up every day thinking that the day will be good, I am motivated to do things and I feel positive about the future.
This year I want to keep on being and feeling like this but I specially want to rub that on others around me. And like I said on my "Wishes For 2015" post I am going to sort out my relationships and only keep around me people that are positive, only have happy&healthy relationships.
Like I said I am much more motivated to do things. For example, when I wasn't on a positive mind set I wasn't motivated to go out and work out and I just stayed home eating my feelings away and getting more and more sad, more depressed about my weight and just really miserable. Once I started looking at things with a positive perspective I realised that if I want to feel good about my body and weight I have to do something to change it but I also realised that I am allowed to have cheat days and that starting a healthy diet and lifestyle is not about depriving myself from the things I like, is all about variety and trying new things.
On my video - soon to come - I will give you tips and real examples of my lifesyle change and on being motivated. But for now this is all I can say!
I hope you liked this series. Make sure you tell me what were your favourite episodes and tell me what helped you most. Thank you so much for reading and watching. I will talk to you in my next post!
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
With the beginning of a new year come the typical wishes also known as New Year's Resolutions. This year I am going to be turning 19 years old I decided to have 19 resolutions instead of only 12 - I usually have 12 which symbolize the 12 months.
Here are my resolutions for 2015...
Improve The Quality Of My Youtube Videos And Of My Blog Posts | Have Healthy Eating Habits | Exercise More & More Often | Lose Weight | Try Vegetarian & Vegan Food For A While | Work (Part-Time Or Full-Time) | Go To England - To Visit & To Look At Universities | Do More Courses - Italian, French, Photography, Italian Culinary, Chinese Culinary & More | Save Money - For A Trip To Paris On My 20th Birthday | Treat Myself - Buy Makeup, Go Out For Lunch, Buy A Nice Beautiful Bag, Etc. | Go Out Of My Comfort Zone, Try New And Things & Be Spontaneous | Travel - In Portugal Or Out Of The Country | Do More Of What Makes Me Happy | Be Positive & Look At Life With A Different Perspective | Have Happy & Healthy Relationships | Enjoy The Little Things In Life | Have Driving Lessons & Save Money For A Car | Singing Lessons | Tattoos & More Piercings
Feel free to let me in the comments what are your New Year's Resolutions and tell me what you think about mine. Thank you for reading! Happy New Year Everyone!
Well this goes hand in hand with the previous episode of this series but obviously they have some differences. The other one was only about body confidence but this one is about it in general.
On my previous post I sort out told you that throughout the majority of my life I've had lack of confidence and self-esteem due to several things: body issues, being overweight, gaining weight, family situations, school and friend issues.
It's not been until recently that I've started to gain my confidence back. At the moment it is not on 100% nor near that percentage but the positive side is that it is rising.
Where It All Began
Throughout my life I've experienced several things that I never thought I would and when you're a kid you're not prepared to deal with certain things, neither physically nor emotionally. So obviously you will suffer in some way, shape or form. I, for example, suffered both physically and emotionally. I gained a lot of weight and I developed social anxiety. Those two things were the harshest ones but there were a few other things that happened which were significant but I've overcome them.
The Consequences
Having developed a mental illness as well as gaining an insane amount of weight sort of killed my confidence and self-esteem. And when I was younger I didn't know what was happening to me or why those things were happening so I could not figure out what I should do nor ask for help. The weight gain and the level of anxiety started getting bigger and bigger, growing and growing as the years went by and it wasn't until things got a little bit more serious and tricky that I realised that something was happening.
Solutions
To make things a little easier on me I talked to my mum and asked for help. The only help she could give me was comfort and advice. I would like to receive more help but she deals with her own things too so the help she gave me was the best she could do and I'm grateful for that. She was and till this day is the only person who has ever gave me help.
Also because now I am older there are some things I can do to help myself. I've come this far mostly all on my own so I must be doing something right!
Confidence & Self-Esteem Back
Like I said I'm not in any sort of way close to being 100% confident and assured of myself but I am getting there. I will keep on doing the things I've done so far and hopefully in a few months or years I will have made more progress and I will be more happy and confident.
If you've not seen my video on how to gain your confidence and self-esteem back then click the following box and it will take you there.
Thank you so much for reading. If you watch my video let me know if it was helpful and make sure you subscribe to my channel if you'd like to see more of my videos.
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
2014 is almost over and 2015 is just around the corner. But it's good to remember what things & experiences were important during a year before a new one starts. It is one way to start the new year on a bright note, to remember what things made you happy and wish that more, either the same, similar or different ones, will happen.
So here are the things that I am going to remember about this year that has just gone by so fast...
I put a lot of time and effort on my Blog to make it better and I really enjoyed it and still am enjoying
I started making videos for Youtube to go along side with my Blog and I really like it
I had an incredible experienced when I went to Porto for the One Direction concert and I definitely want to repeat it
On the concert subject, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to go to several concerts this year. I saw Emblem 3, Union J, One Direction, James Arthur, Jessie J & Justin Timberlake
I created a special bound with two of my friends. I feel like these friendships will continue to grow and become friendships for life
I did Vlogmas this year and I didn't fail any day
My Birthday this year was the mos special one that I ever had because it was a small thing, celebrated with people who I love
This year I discovered more Youtubers who I really like
Mocking Jay Part 1 (I think that says it all)
This yeas I bought a lot of book and specially movies, two of my favourite things in life
The Fault In Our Stars, both book and movie. I read the book and then saw the movie and both are so good that I had to buy the DVD. Plus Shailene's performance in that movie is breath taking
One of my good friends visited this Summer and I spent a few days with her and I really liked it because I missed her
I bought the Divergent book series and all of them are incredible. Also the Divergent movie is spectacular and I just can't wait for Insurgent
I've been obsessed about strawberry jam ever since I tried it on toast - How have I not found out about this food combo before?!
New Piercing were also a thing that happened this year
I graduated High School/Secondary School with a pretty good grade in my portuguese exam and I was really happy - still am - about that
I felt a lot more happy because I've been trying to be more positive about life and see it in a different perspective
I started a German course
I lost weight
I am very greateful about this next one: I am, in general, healthy and it is a blessing because that can change from day to night and the fact that throughout the majority of the year I was healthy makes me feel really happy
I am grateful for decaf teas because I love tea but it's not good for me to drink tea with caffeine because of my anxiety
And finally I am really about the fact that this year my anxiety was not as "strong" or present in my life
Those are all of the favourites of 2014 that I can remember right now. I am really happy that all of these things happened to me and very grateful about them and my wish for 2015 is that I can experience more amazing things and be healthy, discover new places, things, people, meet new people and overall have great year!
I hope you liked this post and feel free to comment down below what were your favourites of 2014. I will talk to you in a few days, in my last post of the year. Thank you for reading and have a Happy New Year!
Throughout many years of my life I never felt good about myself, never felt comfortable in my own skin because I've always been overweight, from what I remember. In my younger years I didn't feel like the rest of the kids but the worst part began when I started middle school.
Middle School
At that age you want be pretty and feel pretty, you want other people to notice you, specially boys so you have to look good in order to get their attention.
At that age I didn't feel pretty, neither happy about my body and or image. I wasn't happy in my own skin mostly because people around me didn't think I was pretty enough or thin enough... At that age image is important to every single person and if you don't look like other people think you should look then you are not worthy of their time or attention and you'll feel sad as, in most cases, they will left you out of the situations.
Middle School Now
Now that I look back in time, I realise that all of those things didn't matter because at the end of the day it's not the things people think about you - your body, your likes and dislikes or any other thing -that make you who you are... it's what you think of yourself and what you make of yourself that make you who you are!
High School
After finishing Middle School I started High School and those years were life changing years because I made friends who helped me realise that my worth was not measured in my looks but in my actions. In Middle School I had friends like that too but it was just in the last year that I started to gain my confidence back again and realise my worth.
Now
In the present day I am still not 100% confident or happy about the way I look but I have come really far from where I was 5 to 10 years ago.
Now I know that my worth is not measured by what other people think of me but by what I make of myself. So now my thoughts are positive and I am focused on making myself a healthy and happy person, a better person in general!
And that is a resume of my story! If you'd like to know more comment down below and ask me the questions that you want me to answer. If you've not seen my video where I give you tips on how to feel happy and confident about yourself then click the box below and it will take you to the video.
Thank you so much for reading. I'll talk to you soon!
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
Happy Christmas Everyone!
Today is Christmas day, one of the most beautiful and incredible days of the year!
On this day everyone should feel happy and jolly. Appreciate your family and your friends because this is what this season is about. Give your love to everyone who deserves it and be grateful for everything that you have. Christmas is not just about religion, it's also about embracing your loved ones and giving them love, laughing with them and sharing with them.
I just wanted to wish you a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Christmas is in 2 days and so I felt the need to do something special in honour of this lovely holiday!
Christmas has got to be my favourite holiday of all and that is because of all of the things that it comes with. And that is exactly what I want to tell you today, all of the things that I love about Christmas!
Number 1 is the music, specially the Christmas Carols. I also love the pop Christmas songs, a lot, but my favourites are the Carols!
Number 2 is Chocolate. Obviously I canhave chocolate whenever I can but there's something about Chocolates at Christmas that is just so special!
Number 3 is food related as well... The variety of deserts you have. Here in Portugal is things like Rabanadas, Sonhos, Fatias Douradas, Bolo Rei... I'm not usually a big fan of deserts but during Christmas I am a big fan, specially of Rabanadas.
Number 4 are the Christmas Movies. I love myself some movies and Christmas movies is just the perfect combination of two of my favourite things.
Number 5 are the Christmas Lights. I think they're just so beautiful!
Number 6 are the Christmas Decorations. There's a whole variety of those and it's just so fun to pick the best and decor your tree and your house!
Number 7 is getting and decorating the Christmas Tree. It just makes the house look 100% better and it is really festive which is something that I really like because I love festivities!
Number 8 are the Colors that Christmas has. Red, Green, Gold... those are my favourites! And when they're sparkly is 10 times better!
Number 9 is going Christmas Shopping. I really love to put a lot of thought in someone's present/presents. And when they open the present/presents and they're just so happy and excited... that is the best feeling in the world, to know you've made someone happy!
Number 10 is the Spirit/Environment of Christmas. I just love the fact that everyone is so jolly, in a good mood, they're taking their time to really think about someone's favourite things and what the person is like so that they know what to give them... These things and more are some of my favourite things that are part of the Spirit of Christmas!
Christmas in general is the most wonderful time of the year and whoever says it's not hasn't really experienced what it is really about!
That being said, I hope you have a Very Happy Christmas!
A few years ago I experienced some very big changes in my life and to cope with those I developed some mechanisms for safety and to compensate my messed up emotions. One of those mechanisms was an eating disorder... There are a lot of eating disorders but mine is an uncommon one called Compulsive Overeating. And because I've made such a big change in that part of my life I thought it would be good to share my story so that others can find advice, inspiration or just comfort in my story if they experience or have experienced an eating disorder, or if they know someone who is/was dealing with this mental health problem.
How It All Started & Weight Changes
When I was about 13 years old I went through a hard time because something very disturbing happened in my life... To cope with that disturbing experience I developed an eating disorder called Compulsive Overeating. When experiencing this disorder people eat compulsively to compensate their emotions and feelings.
I found myself eating a lot of food, several times in one day... I didn't gain a lot of weight when this began but when my eating disorder was associated with my depression and/or anxiety i gained a lot of weight... and that made me feel sad, angry at myself, more depressed, stressed, anxious, I wasn't motivated and I did not want to do anything...
Eating Disorder Moments
I had more severe eating disorder moments whenever I felt more upset, sad, anxious, stressed. When it was test/exam season in school, when I had projects, papers or oral presentations to do, I'd eat a lot to cope with the stress. Whenever I felt more sad about my weight and my body I ate and then I'd feel guilty about eating. Whenever I was going through a hard time due to family things or feeling unmotivated and sad because I wasn't doing what I wanted to be doing, I ate a lot of food.
So basically whenever I had negative emotions and thoughts I would eat to compensate what I was feeling.
Changes
In 2013 I decided that I could not keep on eating to compensate my feelings and so I slowly started changing my thoughts into more positive ones and whenever I felt the need to eat due to a certain feeling I thought to myself "Is it really worth it? Are you going to feel better?". At the beginning it was really hard to "fight my desire for food" but as the days went by and I had more and more of these situations happening to me I got better and better at "fighting" them.
One thing that I also did to change this "desire" was I started to eat less food during meals and so my stomach shrinked. I found myself eating a lot less and so if I had more "food compensation episodes" it wasn't as bad because I was eating less in general during the day.
If you've not seen the video where I give you some tips on how to overcome eating disorders just click the followin box and it will take there:
So that is all for today's post. I hope it was helpful and please come back in a few days for the next one.
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
Two years ago I experienced depression, which was a consequence of my social anxiety. Two years later, no medication and positive thoughts, I am no longer depressed. So I thought it would be good to share my story so that others can find advice, inspiration or just comfort in my story if they experience or have experienced depression, or if they know someone who is/was dealing with this mental health problem.
The Beginning
I was in 10th grade but it was Easter break, just right after my 16th birthday. For the 2 weeks of break all I did was eat, sleep, watch movies and series either on tv or on my laptop, and be with my mum who, for the first week, was sick. Because I didn't know how to cook and my mum was unable all we ate were hot dogs, pizzas, hamburguers and take-away food which is not healthy at all.
My sister was away for that first week, staying at a friend's house but during the second week she was with us. Because my mum was starting to feel better she started doing all the things she normally does, cooking included. During that second week I started eating properly again but I was very emotional, very sad and all I wanted to do was eat... specially things that were not good for me! So one day I went to the supermarket and I bought a jar of Nutella and a box of 6 or 8 crêpes. When I got back me and my sister ate the crêpes with nutella on them... I ate half of the box that evening!
So, just like every person, I put on a lot of weight due to all of the things I had been eating for those 2 weeks. And because I was already over-weight and I put on more I got very sad about that, very angry because I had allowed myself to do that and just overall very depressed about that whole situation.
Also during those 2 weeks, for no apparent reason, I felt lost and sad about my High School/Secondary School course choice. I had chosen something I didn't really like, something I was convinced would be a good job, a good career... But it wasn't what I really wanted so I would never be 100% happy and satisfied with my job. Because I couldn't go back in my choice, I couldn't change anything at that time and I didn't know what to do, I felt like I was wasting my time, precious years of my life...
I was fatter, I felt tired, I felt lost, I felt angry, I felt emotional, I felt like I was wasting my time, I got really stressed because school was going to start again which made me feel anxious... All of that, for some reason, made a button switch inside my head and I got depressed. At the time I actually didn't know that because obviously it wasn't something familiar so I didn't know what it was, but the fact is that I got depressed.
Going Back To School
School started again and I thought I was ready but I wasn't... I was in school for hours and hours ad the time just wouldn't fly, I was constantly tired and I had a lot of fatigue, some days I slept a lot and some I couldn't sleep... But the worst happened when it was "test/exam season". For the first part of it I was okay because I knew I had to study to get good grades but when the 2nd round of tests/exams was happening I just didn't feel like studying, all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, stay in bed, not go to school...
When Things Got Serious
There's was this time when I had to study for philosophie test but I just could not bother and so I took pictures to the notes that the teached gave us and I said to my mum "I'll just read these in between classes, I'll be fine". So I went to school, the time flew and it was the 20min. break before the test and I was stressing because I hadn't study anything and I didn't know anything for the test. I started reading the pictures of the notes but I couldn't concentrate and so I just said to myself "Screw this!" and I didn't read anything. When the bell rang, we all got inside, the test started and I completely failed at doing it, I didn't know anything. When the teacher had corrected the tests he was really disappointed about my grade... I had got a 6 in 20.
Telling My Mum
When I got home and I told my mum about my grade she was really concern... Normally I wasn't like that and she knew that getting good grades was really important to me, so something had to be happening for me to feel like studying was not worth my time.
Summer
School soon finished and I went on holiday for about a week. When I got back I signed up for a gym because (1) I had to do exercise because of my back problem and (2) I had to lose weight. All I did that summer was go to the gym, hang out with my best friend at the time, pretty much every single day - before I went to the gym - and watch movies & series.
Also that summer I really started liking One Direction and because I wanted to know things about them I started searching and I found out who their girlfriends were. The one that really intrigued me was Perrie, Zayn's girlfriend. I searched Perrie from Little Mix and I watched their video clip for the single "Wings" and then I watched other videos of their time on The X Factor. I started to get really inspired by them and immediately I fell in love. They all went to The X Factor as soloists and then got put together and were the first group to win the show, they fought for their dreams and they were living them. I really related to that and so from that moment I decided that I was going to fight for my dreams.
The Beginning Of 11th Grade
I had a fresh and more positive mindset when 11th grade started. I was going to finish High School/Secondary School and then I would try to turn my dreams into reality. The first 4 months - September, October, November & December - went down pretty well. And then January began... I felt like I was losing my friends because they were all starting to get closer to a girl from our class and I didn't have anything in common with her so for me she wasn't more than a classmate. For a few months I got really sad again because I did not feel like a had a good group of friends, I was starting to grow apart from them whilst they were getting closer to the other girl.
For those few months I got really depressed again because I could not tell anyone - apart form my mum - what I was feeling. I just wanted to stay in bed, I was really lazy, really tired, really emotional, I found myself eating a lot to compensate my feelings, I didn't want to do anything else than watch films, read and sleep.
One time I was supposed to go to my swimming class - I had swimming lessons because of my back problems and also to lose a little bit of weight - but I was just really tired and I did not feel like leaving my bed so I just stayed there the entire morning and I read a book. Eventually I had to get up and go to school but before that I did not do anything but read and rest.
My mum, because she knew what I was going through, understood my feelings and desires so she supported me... she would let me not go to the swimming lessons, she understood if I didn't feel emotionally capable to go to school, she would let me stay in bed for hours before actually doing things, she would let me skip school when I was anxious and stressed... she knew those weren't the best things to do but she understood that I had to go through them before getting better so she would let me do what I felt like was best for me.
The End Of It All
In about March I got close to my friends again and I started to get better as the months went by and in June, although I was stressed about my exams, I felt a lot better about myself.
That Summer I started to recover and by the end of 2013 I was fully recovered, I was not longer depressed.
In the last days of 2013 I decided that I wanted to be more positive about life and everything that it comes with. I decided that based on this video by Lindsey (beautybaby44): How To Be Happy, Love Yourself, & Love Your Life. So I started 2014 with a brand new mindset. Obvioulsy I have had bad days but for the most part I was/am positively thinking about things and I am going to continue doing that hopefully for the rest of my life.
If you want to know what I did to overcome my depression I filmed a video where I give 5 tips that I find are key when overcoming depression.
That is all for today's post. Come back next week for the 3rd episode of this series.
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
I've been dealing with anxiety for a few years now and because I've accomplished a few things and I made progress, I decided that it would be wise to share my experience as it might help someone. So I created this series called "All About Me".
5th & 6th grades
The "anxiety switch" turned on in my head when I was about 10. At that time I was dealing with a lot of changes, a lot of new things and a lot of stress. Those things combined with the lack of a supportive group of school friends made my brain think that everything was bad and dangerous.
But it wasn't until recently that things got really bad...
Throughout 5th and 6th grades I didn't even realise that something had changed, I just though it was stress so I kept on living my life thinking that everything was good.
After I had finished 6th grade I decided that I didn't want to be a part of a class where my only real friends were boys. That made me feel real frustrated because I was a really girly girl and I wanted to be friends with the girls in my class but I couldn't because I didn't trust them. I still talked to them, had lunch with them and hung out with them but I didn't consider them my friends. So I asked to change classes and I was put in a different one in 7th grade.
7th, 8th & 9th grades
At first I was really shy and scared because I didn't know most of the people - I knew a few but I wasn't close to them, at least not anymore. I had nothing to be scared of, all of the people I knew welcomed me like I was one of their own, they introduced me to the rest of the class and eventually I started making friends.
Those 3 years - 7th, 8th and 9th grades - were the best years of my life. I created special bonds with a lot of the people, the class was really close in general, we were like a family! So even though I was stressed about everything school related, I didn't experience the anxiety as I had what I was lacking on previous years: a close and supportive group of friends.
My first memorable anxiety episode
But I do remember one episode of anxiety which happened in 9th grade. I was doing an oral presentation in Portuguese class and I could not look at the people, I was shaking and I was reading everything instead of talking. That was the first episode of anxiety that I had that I can remember as it really marked me.
But apart from that everything else was marvelous!
10th grade
I lost my group of friends, my family when I went to a different school in 10th grade (the beginning of High School/Secondary School here in Portugal). But I was hoping to make new friends and build another family. I had high hopes...
My first day of school was the most terrifying thing ever. I didn't know anyone and so I was really anxious and scared. When I entered the classroom and started walking towards one of the tables the long strap of my bag got stuck on a chair and I panicked. Literally panicked... I grabbed the strap and I walked to my table...
I eventually made friends and at the beginning things were looking great, I thought I was building a new group of friends, a new family.
But in February or March everything fell apart. There were a few groups, people would be mean to each other - I'm being nice when saying people were mean to each other, there was a lot of sh*t going on - and there was no such thing as support. But by the end of the year there were only two groups. The big group was really supportive and everyone was friends with each other and I was really happy because I had found myself a new family. The other group was small, about 5 people were in it and at the end of the year they weren't even friends anymore. And then there were a couple of people all by themselves.
11th grade
But I actually become friends with 2 of the girls of that small group and when 11th grade started I hung out with them and we became very close. Then a new girl was in our class and me and my 2 friends became friends with her. The 4 of us became really close, I had another little supportive group of friends.
But then there was this one girl who joined the group and did so much sh*t to it that the group fell apart, so I had lost my friends. And because I wasn't really that close anymore with my group from 10th grade, I had no one to turn to and ask for help when my anxiety really kicked in...
My first panic attacks
It was in 11th grade that I had my first 2 panic attacks. Both were consequences of my anxious state of mind and my extreme stress due to oral presentations that I had to do. When I had the 2nd panic attack I stayed home that day, went to the doctor and then I stayed home for 2 more days. It was really awful...
Summer, 2013
After 11th grade was over I had to do my exams. And when that was over I went on holiday to relax. I went to Algarve for about a week... the environment was so chilled that I completely forgot that I had anxiety. I then remembered that because I got really scared at a water park. One of my cousins - he's not really my cousin but it almost feels like it because our families have known each other for a long time - went on a scary ride and I got really stress and scared because I was looking at him in that ride. I started shaking and felt really uncomfortable and I started panicking but it was not a full on panic attack because I tried to calm myself down by saying to myself that everything was gonna be alright and by giving my hand to my sister, who was the only one who knew, at that time, that I suffer from anxiety.
12th grade - Anxious on the first day
Summer went by and it was time to go back to school. The day the schedules and classes were out I went to the school with my mother. My cousin tooks us there because she has a car and we don't... We arrived there and my mum and cousin started chatting, for a long time. As the minutes went by I got more and more anxious because I was afraid that I'd be in a class that I didn't want to be in. When we finally went inside and saw the schedule and the class I panicked and started crying because I was in that one class where I didn't want to be due to a situation that had happened that summer (basically I wasn't friends anymore with 2 girls and I was afraid that they would get together and gang up/bully me). My mum immediately figured out a way to change me into another class.
School started a couple of days later and I was still in that class. I was so anxious, stress and scared that I had a hard time sleeping the night before and when I woke up I literally was feeling sick.
My mum had to take me to school to make sure I was alright... As we got closer and closer to the school I started shaking and when I got to my classroom and I saw the 2 girls I felt like I'd never felt before... I was sh*tting myself (not literally...).
I had to be in that class for 2 days and on the 3rd day of school I switched classes and I went to the one where a few of my friends were. I was so happy!
Anxiety during the rest of the year
During the rest of the year I didn't have a lot of anxious moments or panic attacks, just the usual ones due to either oral presentations or tests.
Random Occasions
All of the texts above are a summary of my anxiety experiences. But I do have more to tell you... Things like answering the phone, going to the supermarket alone or stepping out of a bus really scare me! The thought of people judging me whilst I'm doing things scares me, a lot! Having to talk to strangers at stores, cafes or anywhere else scares me... not as much anymore but it's still scary! Asking for things to people who aren't close to me makes me feel anxious, even if those people are from my family or they're my friends!
And that's my summary of the past 8 years. The past 2 years were the worst ones but it was during them that I made progress, specially this past year. There's a lot more to change, more progress to be made but the first few steps were important and I am really proud of myself!
I hope you enjoyed this post and it was somehow relatable. If you want to know what are some of the things that I do to progress make sure you watch my video. That's all for this post, come back next week for the 2nd episode of the series!
Today's the 2nd of December which means Christmas is coming! And after that New Year's Eve! Yay!!
I decided to make a list of things that I want to do during the month of December. Things as simple as decorating a Christmas tree or things like attempting to do Vlogmas. I don't know if I will accomplish all of the things but at least I can try.
During the month of December I'd like to...
Do my version of Vlogmas
Buy a new Christmas tree and decorate it, as well as the house
Go Christmas shopping with my friend
Go Christmas shopping with my mum
Spend more time with my friends
Have a get together lunch or dinner with my friends from 9th grade
Lose 2kg
Drink more water
Exercise every day
Keep applying for jobs (and maybe even get a job)
Start and finish my Youtube and Blog series called "All About Me"
Be positive and enjoy the last month of 2014
All of these 12 things are my goals for this month and I will be so happy when I do them! Comment down below what are the things you want to do during the month of December.
That is all for today. I hope you had a great start to this great month!
In case you didn't know already I have a Youtube channel and that means I make videos. Well, it is almost December, my favourite month of all months because it's the month of Christmas and we all know that Christmas is the best holiday!!
If you're a youtuber or you watch youtube videos you're probably familiar with this thing called Vlogmas. Vlogmas is a series of videos, usually 24 that youtubers do from the beginning of December till Christmas Eve day. It's a series of vlogs, usually "follow me around" type of vlogs that are made in celebration of Christmas!
Well my friends...
I am a youtuber,
I love December and I love Christmas,
I like to vlog!
That can only mean that I will be vlogging in December, I will be doing Vlogmas :)
But bare in mind that this is not your usual vlogmas. I am portuguese so I speak portuguese but my videos are in english so that is a problem. Like I said vlogmas is basically "follow me around" videos and most of the time I will be talking in portuguese so if you don't speak portuguese you would not understand a bloody thing...
So what can I do about that?
Instead of doing daily vlogs for Vlogmas I thought I could vlog whenever I'm doing something interesting and then I'd combine all the footage together.
I know this is not the original idea of Vlogmas but if I do it like this I am still doing something!
Well I hope you are excited about my Vlogmas vlogs as well as other youtuber's Vlogmas vlogs! Have a good beginning of December and I will talk to you in my next post!
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
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