The Beginning
I was in 10th grade but it was Easter break, just right after my 16th birthday. For the 2 weeks of break all I did was eat, sleep, watch movies and series either on tv or on my laptop, and be with my mum who, for the first week, was sick. Because I didn't know how to cook and my mum was unable all we ate were hot dogs, pizzas, hamburguers and take-away food which is not healthy at all.
My sister was away for that first week, staying at a friend's house but during the second week she was with us. Because my mum was starting to feel better she started doing all the things she normally does, cooking included. During that second week I started eating properly again but I was very emotional, very sad and all I wanted to do was eat... specially things that were not good for me! So one day I went to the supermarket and I bought a jar of Nutella and a box of 6 or 8 crêpes. When I got back me and my sister ate the crêpes with nutella on them... I ate half of the box that evening!
So, just like every person, I put on a lot of weight due to all of the things I had been eating for those 2 weeks. And because I was already over-weight and I put on more I got very sad about that, very angry because I had allowed myself to do that and just overall very depressed about that whole situation.
Also during those 2 weeks, for no apparent reason, I felt lost and sad about my High School/Secondary School course choice. I had chosen something I didn't really like, something I was convinced would be a good job, a good career... But it wasn't what I really wanted so I would never be 100% happy and satisfied with my job. Because I couldn't go back in my choice, I couldn't change anything at that time and I didn't know what to do, I felt like I was wasting my time, precious years of my life...
I was fatter, I felt tired, I felt lost, I felt angry, I felt emotional, I felt like I was wasting my time, I got really stressed because school was going to start again which made me feel anxious... All of that, for some reason, made a button switch inside my head and I got depressed. At the time I actually didn't know that because obviously it wasn't something familiar so I didn't know what it was, but the fact is that I got depressed.
Going Back To School
School started again and I thought I was ready but I wasn't... I was in school for hours and hours ad the time just wouldn't fly, I was constantly tired and I had a lot of fatigue, some days I slept a lot and some I couldn't sleep... But the worst happened when it was "test/exam season". For the first part of it I was okay because I knew I had to study to get good grades but when the 2nd round of tests/exams was happening I just didn't feel like studying, all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, stay in bed, not go to school...
When Things Got Serious
There's was this time when I had to study for philosophie test but I just could not bother and so I took pictures to the notes that the teached gave us and I said to my mum "I'll just read these in between classes, I'll be fine". So I went to school, the time flew and it was the 20min. break before the test and I was stressing because I hadn't study anything and I didn't know anything for the test. I started reading the pictures of the notes but I couldn't concentrate and so I just said to myself "Screw this!" and I didn't read anything. When the bell rang, we all got inside, the test started and I completely failed at doing it, I didn't know anything. When the teacher had corrected the tests he was really disappointed about my grade... I had got a 6 in 20.
Telling My Mum
When I got home and I told my mum about my grade she was really concern... Normally I wasn't like that and she knew that getting good grades was really important to me, so something had to be happening for me to feel like studying was not worth my time.
Summer
School soon finished and I went on holiday for about a week. When I got back I signed up for a gym because (1) I had to do exercise because of my back problem and (2) I had to lose weight. All I did that summer was go to the gym, hang out with my best friend at the time, pretty much every single day - before I went to the gym - and watch movies & series.
Also that summer I really started liking One Direction and because I wanted to know things about them I started searching and I found out who their girlfriends were. The one that really intrigued me was Perrie, Zayn's girlfriend. I searched Perrie from Little Mix and I watched their video clip for the single "Wings" and then I watched other videos of their time on The X Factor. I started to get really inspired by them and immediately I fell in love. They all went to The X Factor as soloists and then got put together and were the first group to win the show, they fought for their dreams and they were living them. I really related to that and so from that moment I decided that I was going to fight for my dreams.
The Beginning Of 11th Grade
I had a fresh and more positive mindset when 11th grade started. I was going to finish High School/Secondary School and then I would try to turn my dreams into reality. The first 4 months - September, October, November & December - went down pretty well. And then January began... I felt like I was losing my friends because they were all starting to get closer to a girl from our class and I didn't have anything in common with her so for me she wasn't more than a classmate. For a few months I got really sad again because I did not feel like a had a good group of friends, I was starting to grow apart from them whilst they were getting closer to the other girl.
For those few months I got really depressed again because I could not tell anyone - apart form my mum - what I was feeling. I just wanted to stay in bed, I was really lazy, really tired, really emotional, I found myself eating a lot to compensate my feelings, I didn't want to do anything else than watch films, read and sleep.
One time I was supposed to go to my swimming class - I had swimming lessons because of my back problems and also to lose a little bit of weight - but I was just really tired and I did not feel like leaving my bed so I just stayed there the entire morning and I read a book. Eventually I had to get up and go to school but before that I did not do anything but read and rest.
My mum, because she knew what I was going through, understood my feelings and desires so she supported me... she would let me not go to the swimming lessons, she understood if I didn't feel emotionally capable to go to school, she would let me stay in bed for hours before actually doing things, she would let me skip school when I was anxious and stressed... she knew those weren't the best things to do but she understood that I had to go through them before getting better so she would let me do what I felt like was best for me.
The End Of It All
In about March I got close to my friends again and I started to get better as the months went by and in June, although I was stressed about my exams, I felt a lot better about myself.
That Summer I started to recover and by the end of 2013 I was fully recovered, I was not longer depressed.
In the last days of 2013 I decided that I wanted to be more positive about life and everything that it comes with. I decided that based on this video by Lindsey (beautybaby44): How To Be Happy, Love Yourself, & Love Your Life. So I started 2014 with a brand new mindset. Obvioulsy I have had bad days but for the most part I was/am positively thinking about things and I am going to continue doing that hopefully for the rest of my life.
If you want to know what I did to overcome my depression I filmed a video where I give 5 tips that I find are key when overcoming depression.
That is all for today's post. Come back next week for the 3rd episode of this series.
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
